Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being judged by God, who was undecided whether to admit Gates to Heaven or send him to Hell.
"Bill," God says, "I don't know if I should reward you for all the good you did for society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, or damn you for creating that dreadful Windows 95. I'm going to try something I've never done, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Gates asks God what are the differences between Heaven and Hell, and God suggests he visit both places, so he can decide for himself.

Gates chooses to visit Hell first, and finds it a tropical paradise: sandy beaches, perfect weather, gorgeous women splashing in the clear water.

"This is fabulous," Gates says. "If this is Hell, let's check out Heaven!"

God takes Gates up to Heaven, and he sees that it's lovely, all puffy clouds and harp music, but not as beautiful as Hell was. Gates asks to go back to Hell, and God grants his wish.

A few weeks later, God feels he should check up on Bill Gates and see if he is comfortable. He finds Gates shackled to a wall, screaming as the hot flames burn him, tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asks.

Bill responds, his voice raw with anguish and betrayal: "This is NOT what I expected! What happened to the sandy beach, and the beautiful women splashing in the surf?"

God replies : "That was the screen saver."

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton. "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

A young man was walking through a super market to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him.
"Pardon me," she said. "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, would you say 'Goodbye, mother?' It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" Then, as he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.00. "How can that be?" he asked. "I only purchased a few things!"

The clerk replied, "Your mother said you'd pay for her."