Have you ever known a married couple that just didn't seem
as though they should fit together--yet they are both happy in the
marriage, and you can't figure out why?
What mysterious force drives us into the arms of one person,
while pushing us away from another who might appear equally
desirable to any unbiased observer?
Of the many factors influencing our idea of the perfect mate,
one of the most telling, according to John Money, a professor emeritus
of medical psychology and pediatrics in the United States, is what he
calls our "lovemap"--a group of messages encoded in our brains that
describes our likes and dislikes. It shows our preferences in hair and
eye color, in voice., smell, body build. It also records the kind of
personality that appeals to us, whether it's the warm and friendly
type or the strong, silent type.
In short, we fall for and pursue those people who most clearly fit
our lovemap. And this lovemap is largely determined in childhood. By
age eight, the pattern for our ideal mate has already begun to float
around in our brains.
Yes, our mothers-the first real love of our lives-write a significant
portion of our lovemap.
When we're little, our mother is the center of our attention, and we
are the center of hers. So our mother's characteristics leave an indelible
impression,and we are forever after attracted to people with her facial
features, body type, personality, even sense of humor. If our mother
was warm and giving, as adults we tend to be attracted to people who
are warm and giving. If our mother was strong and even-tempered, we
are going to be attracted to a fair-minded strength in our mates.
The mother has an additional influence on her sons: she not only
gives them clues to what they will find attractive in a mate, but also
affects how they feel about women in general. So if she is warm and nice,
her sons are going to think that's the way women are. They will likely
grow up warm and responsive loves and also be cooperative around the
house.
Conversely, a mother who has a depressive personality, and is
sometimes friendly but then suddenly turns cold and rejecting, may raise
a man who becomes a "dance-away lover." Because he's been so scared
about love from his mother, he is afraid of commitment and may pull
away from a girlfriend for this reason.
while the mother determines in large part what qualities attracts us
in a mate, it's the father-the first male in our lives-who influences
how we relate to the opposite sex. Fathers have an enormous effect
on their children's personalities and chances of marital happiness.
Just as mothers influence their son's general feelings toward
women, fathers influence their daughter's general feelings about men.
If a father lavishes praise on his daughter and demonstrates that she
is a worthwhile person, she'll feel very good about herself in relation
to men. But if the father is cold, critical or absent, the daughter will
tend to feel she's not very lovable or attractive.
What about opposites? Are they really attracted to each other?
Yes or no. In many ways we want a mirror image of ourselves.
Physically attractive people, for example, are usually drawn to a
partner who's equally attractive.
In addition, most of us grow up with people of similar social
circumstances. We hang around with people in the same town; our
friends have about the same educational back-grounds and career
goals. We tend to be most comfortable with these people, and
therefore we tend to link up with others whose families are often

much like our own.
When men and women possess a particular asset, such as high
intelligence, unusual beauty, a personality that makes others swoon, or
a hefty bankroll that hasthe same effect, some decide to trade their
assets for someone else's strong points. The not-so-talented fellow
from a good family may swap his pedigree for a poor but brilliantly
talented mate.
Is there such a thing as love at first sight? Why not? When people
become love-struck, what happens in that instant is the couple probably
discovers a uniquesomething they have in common. It could be
something as mundane as they both were reading the same book or were
born in the same town. At the same time theyrecognize some trait in the
other that complements their own personality.